


I was a fool, I love you so

by Mustard_Gas



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Did I mention angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Just read if you want some juicy oumasai angst, Listened to additional memory one to many times, M/M, Possibly Triggering, Self Harm, etc - Freeform, idk find out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-25 02:06:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19736176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mustard_Gas/pseuds/Mustard_Gas
Summary: 'Be a fool who never took the hand out for him, does he never learn?'Looking downwards from atop the school, the birds chip hiding away in the trees from the chilling wind. Thoughts swim in his head screaming loudly at him, cursing him for his actions. Some kind, convincing, and concerned. But the loudest one rings in his ears like an unforgettable melody, J U M P.





	I was a fool, I love you so

Distorted voices, faces and actions, his wants block the needs. Standing atop the school he's grown to love he thinks his final words. He feels so much yet so little at the same time, selfish, unwanted, depressed, nervous, and terrified. Yet all at once he feels nothing.

  
  
**"Saihara~Chan!" ?@!# clung to his waist "How's my dearest beloved? Nishishi~!"**

  
  
Taking a deep breathe in, then out he reconsiders. No one will know he came up here, that means if he just climbs back over the metal bars that were supposed to prevent this everything will go back to normal.

  
  
**"I love you so so so much! More than you'll ever know cute detective...Buuut that's just a lie!"**

  
  
  
But then again, does he want 'normal'? Does he honestly want to go back to hating himself for the smallest of things? Does he want to go back to feeling like a burden because no one will point out his obvious lies? But, that's his fault, he can't blame them. He chose to lie to Kaito,, and Kaede,, God _He doesn't want to die._ But it's the only way to stop the pain.

  
  
**"Amami is really a mystery huh.." ?@!# watched another boy from across the classroom with such intrest Saihara had never seen before from the smaller boy. "But I could never love anyone else but my favorite Shu~chan!"**

 **  
  
**_But that was just a lie._ Those words went unspoken, he wanted to be mad at **?@!#** for lying to him like that. But how could he? They both kept quiet about the words they wanted to say the most. Looking at his cut up arm that were hidden under his sleeves, he knew, he understood, he understood why **?@!#** lied so much. _The truth hurt to much._  
  
Deep breathes, Happy thoughts, Smile wider.  
  
He wants nothing more than to tell **?@!#** that he cares about him so deeply, more than any other friend. He honestly, truly, and purely loved him. So much, but the more he did the more self destructive he became. At first, sure it was still unhealthy, his parents never cared for him, he's uncle most likely thought he was an embarrassment, with every panic attack his friends thought he was more and more of a nuisance. Sure only one of them had actually facts to prove it but,, he couldn't help feeling that way. Of course Kaede and Kaito helped him,, they did so much for him and now look where he is. Fuck,, he's such a let down. He was beyond tired at this point, it was all to much. 

**"Saihara~chan? Sai-har-a~chan? Helllo! It's your one and only leader of the fuuture! ... Hey? You awake?"** **Shuichi snapped out of his own thoughts, "Oh yeah ?@!#, sorry I didn't hear you, what is it?"  
** **"I said are you doing okay, you seem like,, suuuper spacey lately. If you keep this up even the astro dingus will notice."  
** **The concern in his eyes seemed real, unlike any that would be shown to someone else. _But only as a friend, how could someone so bright love someone so dull and boring as you?_ "Oh yeah, I'm fine just tired. How are your world domination plans coming along?"  
He wanted to tell him everything but it was so much easier to say 'I'm tired.'  
It wasn't a complete lie anyway so he had no reason to press further.  
** **?@!# paused for a second, it looked as if he had more to say but he soon dropped the topic by showing Shuichi his iconic grin. "Absolutely lovely, I've managed to enslave hundreds and not get found out yet Nishishi~! Oh! My bad, but oh well, now that you know that I have to kill you!"**

He forgot the rest of the conversation, not that it mattered anyway. Even though he's love sick he would never end his own life over unrequited love of course. It only proved as a valuable factor to it, increasing his self hatred in many ways, and because of that he began,, cutting his arms. It's not something he himself likes talking about, how it started he would rather not remember, how he keeps doing it? All it takes is a really bad day and bad thoughts, coming home, then thinking about how many ways one could end their life with the razor he didn't remember picking up. He was much to scared though, at the time ending his life was the last thing he wanted to do. Cutting was,, more or less a way to relieve the pain. To give scars on his ugly body, to let his arm bleed to tears he forced himself not to shed.   
  
**"Saihara~chan,, it's almost summer and it's totally like, 1,000 degrees, how on earth are you still wearing long sleeves and why?"  
****"Ah,, uhm I guess I just don't like showing a lot of my skin, plus these are much-"  
****"Why?"  
****"..What?"  
****"Why do you not want to show skin so badly you're wearing long sleeves in the beginning of summer?"  
****"..."  
****"...After all you're just to B-E-A-UTIFUL for that! I can't let my hunk of a man hide his beauty from me!! But that's just a lie Nishishi! You're no hunk and you're not my mans! Yet,, Or was that also a lie? Maybe I have secret feelings for you, who knows! Neheehee!"  
****Shuichi laughed quietly  
****"Just.. don't do anything stupid."  
****"What?"  
****"Nothing! Geez you're so boring sometimes..I'm gonna go bother that nasty pig shit, Bye bye Sai-har-a!"  
  
**Stepping closer to the edge he came to terms with what was going to happen. Even if he was easily forgettable to most, suddenly coming to an end would be scary to everyone. But what else was he to do? Sure there wasn't any proof his friends hated him, or that society looked down on him, or that **?@!#** didn't feel the same, or even that he's only dead weight to everyone around him. But it all feels so real. It all feels true even if he can't prove it.  
  
So he guesses there's only one thing to do, one way to end the pain, even if he didn't want to.  
  
_"Kaede, you were like a sister to me..."_ Shuichi began, even if no one was listening.  
_"I'm so greatfull for your help and even you just being you. You're so amazing in every way, please don't forget that. Even when I'm gone, even if this means nothing, even if it means you'll never hear it I wish I spent more time with you."_  
  
**...**

 ** _My statement will fall on deaf ears anyway no matter how much I plead huh?  
  
  
_**Shuichi took in another shaky breathe, this time while he spoke he closed his eyes so he couldn't see the drop.  
_"Kaito, you were one of my best friends."_ Choking back a sob he continued. _"I look up to you in so many ways, I hope you know that. You're so out-going like Kaede but In your own special way. Maybe that's why we grew so close. When I'm gone please forget about me, I know you'd probably say something about how unmanly that is but I don't want you to be upset, that is,, if you even miss me...However please smiled brighter and laugh honestly, it's not unmanly to tell others how you're feeling. I wished I known that before too. But you don't need to face your fears alone, maybe in the afterlife your sidekick will look after you and Kaede."  
  
_**...  
  
****But you'll never get to hear that from me tomorrow will you?  
  
**  
_"Kokichi..fuck...I-I'm so sorry."_ This time, he didn't hold himself back, tears ran down his face, as soon as the old ones fell new ones formed. _"I-I...Love you...so much,, I know you'll hate me after this and I know you've never felt the same. And I know you'll never hear any of this but when they find my broken body know it won't be your fault. I-It's all m-mine..I couldn't.... I sh-should've been stronger. I should've l-listened to and accep-accepted all your compliments, then maybe I wouldn't hate myself s-so much to where I can't even l-look in a mirror..God it's all m-my fault! I was so selfish and I still am! I was s-so upset when you and everyone else didn't p-point out my obvious lies even though I told them! And even tho-though I dug myself in this hole I s-still want someone to come and s-sa-save me! I-I..It...It's n-not fair to yo-you..you guys. I made myself suicidal a-and yet..I still want someone to stop me..to s-save me..G-Goddammit I don't wanna d-die!"_  
  
**...  
  
****But no one came  
  
**Wiping his tears away there was now one thing left to do, and his mind said it clearer than anyone.  
  
**jump  
  
**Over his thoughts though, he couldn't hear the clicking of shoes against wooden stair case.  
  
**Jump  
  
**He couldn't hear the sound of the roof door swinging open and hitting the wall with a slam.  
  
**JUMP**  
  
He couldn't hear the desperation in Ouma's voice as he called out his name.  
  
But despite all of this.  
  
He was frozen  
  
He couldn't move

He didn't move  
  
Why didn't he **jump**?  
  
**"SHUCIHI!"  
**  
Again he called his name. But this time, it reached Saihara's ears. He used his first name?  
Slowly and steadily Shuichi took a step back, _when did get so close?_ At the same time he removed his shaking hands that were covering his eyes, _when_ did-?  
"Shuichi please, listen to me,,"  
_Ouma?_ ** _  
_** "Don't,, do it.. please."  
  
Behind him he hears the small clicking sound of Ouma's shoes against the smooth roof floor. But instead of swift, loud movements they were slow, and quiet, kind of like,, **he knew what he was doing.**  
  
"Shuichi please look at me,,"  
  
Ah, he hadn't gathered enough courage to face him has he. If he jumped off right now, Ouma would probably hate himself. But,, even saying that to himself it sounds like he's self absorbed or something, god why didn't he just jump soon-  
  
"Shuichi."

  
His voice, his normal carefree, lovable, aloof voice. It was now stern but careful. Like he was ready to jump into action at any given point but only if needed. The tears had stopped awhile ago, his other emotions like nervousness and fear were now replaced with shame and bitterness. He bit his lip as he waited for Ouma to continue.  
  
"Shuichi, turn around. You don't need to do this. There are others ways."  
  
**Other ways**? What **other ways**? What would he know, why does he care **now**? He's never **felt** like this before. **No one** has. Shuichi was completely **alone**. There's no way he could **understand _him_**.   
  
"S-Shuichi."  
  
_Wait is he-?_ Only at the slight stutter in his voice Shuichi's head whipped around, and sure enough. It was Kokichi Ouma. Yes he had known it was him but, it doesn't look like him. He's sweating, his breathing is heavy like he just ran a mile, his eyes,, they look so broken- and, and, his smile, his wonderful beautiful smile, it's no where in sight. Instead it's replaced with a desperate frown, he eyes brows are furrowed and slanted, almost squished together. He looks so... **sad**? With the tears streaming down his face so quickly is obvious to Saihara.  
**He does understand, he does to well.  
  
**_"Ouma,,? why are you-?"  
  
_"Please...come over here first, I-...I don't want you any where near the edge. The-Then..We can talk it over.."  
  
why. Why. _Why. WHY._ **WHY?**  
  
Why does he care so much-  
Why does his voice sound so little-  
  
**I don't deserve this  
  
****I'm a freak  
  
****I should never have been born**

**I'm a mistake**

**I should just jump right now**

**I'm a disappointment**

**I shouldn't be here right now**

**He doesn't care. He's only doing this because he feels he has to.  
  
****But then,, why is he so out of breathe? He didn't just stumble into me about to die.**  
  
**He's doing it because-**  
  
  
"Shuichi please I don't want to lose the one person I love.."  
  
Ah  
  
It  
  
It all made sense now.  
  
His concern. His real, genuine concern.  
He did care for him.  
He did feel the same.  
But,,  
  
That doesn't magically take away all the pain.  
All the cuts.  
All the self hatred.  
All the nights where he had cried himself to sleep.  
All the times where he felt invisible.  
All the times he wished he was wiped off the face of the planet.  
  
This doesn't fix everything.  
  
He still hates himself so much.  
  
But,  
It makes it so much more bearable.  
  
If someone is able to love a dull, ugly, broken piece of trash like himself.  
Then maybe he can learn to also love it.  
With time.  
Maybe,, maybe Kokichi can numb to pain enough for Shuichi to work on it.  
  
Placing a hand on the metal fence.  
He lifted one leg over.  
Than the other.  
  
Now he was face to face with Kokichi.  
  
He couldn't look into his eyes, now they both were crying.  
Despite this, Kokichi leapt at Shuichi, hugging him in a tight grasp.  
Like he would never let him go.  
  
"Fuck Shuichi I knew something w-was wrong,, I-I just..I didn't know..HOW t-to confront you...I th-thought it would just.. I don't know..g-go away with time! And-And it didn't! And- Fuck I'm so s-so so so sorry.. I s-should've-."  
  
Kokichi was cut off by Shuichi holding him closer, crying into shoulder, words mixing together trying to formulate sentences.   
  
"N-No it's not- I'm j-just... I mean... I shoul've...w-why are you..s-so nice t-to me? W-why is ev-everyone...s-so...I mean K-kaede, and K-kaito..W-what would they- plea-please don't t-tell...  
  
So, instead of giving Shuichi his shitty apology now, he would currently work on comforting the poor boy. The same one who he loved, the one who almost made the same mistake he did.  
  
with a deep inhale Shuichi gathered his thoughts and finally blurted, "Kokichi- I-I mean,, O-Ouma-kun.. I wish..I s-should've just... I love you- s-so much..- onl-only if you're...I m-mean, I-"  
  
Shuichi would need a lot of work to realizing how much of a beautiful, wonderful, kind, and caring person he is.  
But the first step Ouma thinks. Is to kiss him.  
  
So he did.  
It was awkward but not bad.  
Shuichi's eyes shot open in surprise before slowly,, kissing back.  
Kokichi's hand was on the back of Shuichi's head, and Shuichi's hand rested on Kokichi's waist.  
Until Kokichi pulled back.  
  
"Shuichi, Shuichi~chan, You're perfectly fine.. I d-do too.. You're so,, perfect Shuichi. At least that's what I think  
and I know you don't but,, If you...stay here..on earth, with me a bit longer I can show you why. And I can give you a happier life full of love and sweets and anything me dearest wants."  
  
Shuchi giggled a bit through his tears and nodded.  
Then, he stood and reached a hand down to help Saihara stand.  
  
"What do you say my beloved?"  
  
Even though when Shuichi grabbed Kokichi's hand it was hesitant the kiss after sure wasn't.  



End file.
